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Living Loz
A Perfectly Cromulent Encounter 
26th-Apr-2010 09:37 pm
Life on Mars (Sam Giggles)
Title: A Perfectly Cromulent Encounter
Fandom: Life on Mars/Posh Nosh
Rating: G
Word Count: 400 words.
Notes: Overtones of unrequited Simon/Sam. Also, blame chamekke --- it's all her fault.
Summary: Simon gives Sam lessons in the kitchen.

Simon stood back as he watched elegant and skilled fingers swirl a whisk in four embezzled egg whites. What the hand lacked in speed was replenished in turning circle.

"Almost pleasant," he said, carefully bending forward and curving his own fingers around the slowly revolving wrist. "Not perfect, however. Imagine you're a chocolatier creating cobwebs for a beautiful young film star such as Rodrigo Santoro. You need to envision long strings of woven purity extending from your very tips."

"Er, alright," Sam replied, frowning slightly. His frown really was quite exquisite. Simon could smell the barest hint of Dalmore on his breath, a soupçon of cheap cigarettes in his hair. It was intoxicating. Oh, to be surrounded by beautiful diamonds gleaned from the rough of life.

Sam edged away and glanced at Simon. "Is this any better?" he asked, uncertainly, quivering like the nervous colt that had knocked him off during his game of polo and left him in this Godforsaken place. Up North. The thought of it.

"It's looking wonderfully dishevelled," Simon confirmed.

"I like cooking," Sam said with an indulgent smile. "I like anything that brings creativity and order together, enmeshed and entwined until you can't pull them apart." He gained a wistful look in his dark honey-hued eyes.

Simon winced at his accent, whilst simultaneously revelling in it. The uncouth glory! The mental imagery of being secluded with one so... lower class. Still, a point had to be made, and he wasn't afraid to make it.

"Any chef worth an ounce of organically gathered seasalt would sooner sew their lips together than refer to any practice in the kitchen with the vulgar term of 'cooking'."

"What should you call it, then?"

"The very nature of the action. Here, I am forfeiting. There, I am inflecting. One minute I might be censoring, the next ejaculating. There is no such thing as 'cooking'."

Sam raised his eyebrows, so expressive, so refined, and began to tithe the eggwhites into the spinach and ricotta. His lips twisted thoughtfully as he appliqued the zenith of ravaged parmesan.

"Hang on," Sam said suddenly, halting his movements and staring at Simon. His glare was intense and enthralling --- like sunshine bursting through a storm with wild, unchecked abandon, accompanied by music from Benjamin Britten. "Did you say Rodrigo Santoro? How could you possibly know who he is?"

26th-Apr-2010 12:39 pm (UTC)
Oh God. I love you so much!

*begs* Can we have more?

(My favourite bits in Posh Nosh is where Simon's knocking back the alcohol - he pulls the most amazing faces - especially as Richard E Grant can't, actually, drink!)
26th-Apr-2010 01:31 pm (UTC)

(I also love Simon's long list of descriptors for the alcohol, especially the increasingly ridiculous ingredients he can taste.)

26th-Apr-2010 03:45 pm (UTC) - Life on Posh
*rereads Loz's brilliant fic NOW IN ITS VERY OWN THREAD, and discovers new delights*

Yay for Sam's embezzled (and satisfactorily dishevelled) egg whites! How did I miss those? (In my defence, my first readthrough was at 3 a.m. I just couldn't go to bed until it was up.)

Really, aside from the delightfully cromulent language, my favourite thing about this is the master/apprentice interplay between Simon and Sam. They really are unnervingly alike in certain respects. (Also, verisimilitude, this sounds like exactly the sort of dish Sam would attempt. I can so imagine Sam annoying the ricotta as he makes a breakfast souffle for Gene.)

quivering like the nervous colt that had knocked him off during his game of polo and left him in this Godforsaken place. Up North. The thought of it.

Yay, you worked in the polo. *loves Loz all to pieces* And, Up North hee! I'm sure the Marchmonts would never venture further than Hertfordshire voluntarily. Damn that horse.

I know this was a one-off, but if you ever decide to do another Posh!fic, I for one would come round to your house and blaspheme your salad greens :-)
26th-Apr-2010 04:03 pm (UTC)
P.S. *begging* Please consider posting this to lifein1973.

I'd suggest the Posh Nosh comm too, but there isn't one. (Unless we just invented it?)

Think of this as a public service announcement if nothing else. More people should know about the Posh Nosh oeuvre.
27th-Apr-2010 06:24 am (UTC)

This? This was AWESOME.

Seriously, I want to draw little hearts around it, it is so wonderful!

"The very nature of the action. Here, I am forfeiting. There, I am inflecting. One minute I might be censoring, the next ejaculating. There is no such thing as 'cooking'."

That is so Simon! The whole thing is brilliant. I ♥ it and you!
27th-Apr-2010 07:17 am (UTC)
Thanks so much! :D :D :D
27th-Apr-2010 11:40 am (UTC)
OMG - Simon is played by REG?!? Why did I not know about this?!? I mean, I was kissed by Richard E Grant backstage at 'A Play Wgat I Wrote' more years ago than I care to recall and I didn't even know this Posh Nosh existed!! I am ashamed.

As for REG and the Simmster together in one fic and Touching - OMG....

*faints dead away*
27th-Apr-2010 12:57 pm (UTC)
Oh wow, that is so great!

And I am glad I have opened your eyes to a whole new REG role :D

27th-Apr-2010 12:01 pm (UTC)
Ahaha, yes, that's hysterical. There is a tragic dearth of Posh Nosh fic out there, and I would absolutely never have thought of crossing it over with LoM. The characteristic absurdity of the Posh Nosh use of language is marvellous, and I giggled at how fascinated Simon is by Sam's lower-class-ness (gasp). Ok, some of the giggling was just imagining Sam's reaction if he could hear that not-entirely-complimentary internal monologue.
27th-Apr-2010 12:56 pm (UTC)
Thanks so much :D

I didn't think of crossing it over either. As I said, blame chamekke!

I agree with you that Sam would be the opposite of impressed if he could hear Simon's internal musings.
27th-Apr-2010 12:44 pm (UTC)
I love this whole thing to pieces. (Mind you, I mainlined all of PN yesterday. How did I miss it existing until now?!?)

I especially love that you worked in Benjamin Britten. I may actually have choked on my pear. And by "choked on my pear," I do mean I was cajoling a gallette for mortification in my Aga.
27th-Apr-2010 12:55 pm (UTC)
I knew you'd love Posh Nosh :D

Thanks so much!

(HEE! Genius!)
27th-Apr-2010 06:39 pm (UTC)
Clearly I'm going to have to check out this Posh Nosh thing. ;) I can totally see Richard E Grant dropping those lines though - only he has the snooty perfection to look down on Sam at the same time as adoring him for his 'cute' imperfections. ;)
30th-Apr-2010 12:58 pm (UTC)
Thanks :D
28th-Apr-2010 02:26 am (UTC)
Oh yes - as well as having been the God-given impetus to induce Philip Glenister to go into acting. When, as a simple gofer, Phil asked REG if he should take his acceptance to acting school, REG legendarily replied, "Go for it, you *******". REG is brilliant, and so is PG. I'd love to see a crossover with Posh Nosh! For that matter, I'd love to just see more Posh Nosh, here in Canada we don't get a hell of a lot...just the odd little unexpected episode after other British programs that didn't take up all the broadcast time allotted. I love REG, ever since Withnail, and I am a firm advocate of the belief that he should be broadcast around much more than he currently is. And that includes Captain Star.
30th-Apr-2010 12:58 pm (UTC)
Hee, thanks!
28th-Apr-2010 02:29 am (UTC)
Also, thank you mamishka for your description of REG as having "snooty perfection". That is so spot-on perfect itself that I bow before your occluded majesty. :-)
13th-Jan-2011 04:36 pm (UTC)
Two great tastes that taste great together! Brilliant crossover concept. You capture Simon perfectly and give a wonderul explanation for some of the bizarre phrases Simon and Minty use on the show.
31st-Dec-2011 05:41 pm (UTC)
Ahahaha, I loved Posh Nosh (I wish they would repeat it already!), and this crossover is perfection!
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