Well, I might as well post this here then.
A Match Made in House-Elf Heaven
"Money!" Kreacher muttered, "show him. Show him. Money needed. Give Kreacher the money dearest, give!" The folds of the house-elf's skin wobbled jelly-like up and down with the effort of peeling a potato.
"You knows I can't give you money, Kreacher. We've gots no money to give. We spend the last of our pay on Winker's cot!" a high voice squeaked from inside the oven. Two small legs were sticking out of the aperture, wriggling around.
"I could sell the cot, yes that is what I could do, sell it to pay for it, sell it and have everything I needed, it's brilliant, brilliant!" A head appeared the next moment, with dark brown googly eyes frowning, large round nose and small mouth set in a line, staring at Kreacher.
"Kreacher is not selling Winker's cot. Winker is not yet full-grown. Winker needs cot, and Winker is keeping cot. If you needs money, why don't you ask Master Harry Potter for some. He is kind and generous. Harry Potter will give you money!"
It was somewhat impossible to see the look on Kreacher's face beneath the wrinkles, but if the tone of outrage present in his croaking reply was anything to go by, he was absolutely livid. "HE IS NOT KIND AND GENEROUS! He is filthy, dirty, horrible. He is not worthy of the Noble and Ancient House of Black! He is not worthy of my service!" Kreacher's white ear-hair quivered in his fury, "he deserves to pay. To pay!"
Winky was confused, "If Master Harry Potter deserves to pay, why don't you ask him? I tells you, he will pay!" Kreacher threw the potato at Winky, who bent down to straighten her uniform just in time, and shuffled off as fast as he could (which admittedly was not very fast), back into the laundry room of Hogwarts. Winky sniffed and crawled back into the oven to continue cleaning.
As soon as Winky had seen Kreacher she had been obsessed with him. She didn't know whether it was his inherent pride, his aspects of good breeding, or the fact he was quite obviously even more upset than she was to be here, but Winky took to this house-elf. The other house-elves, at the direction of Dobby, had helped to wean her off of Butterbeer, and when Kreacher first arrived she had only been drinking once or twice a fortnight. As soon as he came, everything changed. Winky had smartened up her uniform and set about winning his heart the way he had won hers.
Having made it to the laundry room, Kreacher then followed a smaller passage out. It was lunch time and house-elves were not supposed to leave the house-elf quarters when students might be awake. It was a self-imposed rule, but one that Dumbledore also liked to enforce, just in case any Slytherins happened to be roaming about. Instead, the house-elves used an interconnecting network of tunnels throughout the walls of Hogwarts which were enchanted to only admit house-elf physiology. As Kreacher came to the Ravenclaw common room, he checked through the peepholes that no-one was about, and darted as quickly as he could (which admittedly was not very quickly) out of the fireplace.
As he flitted from bag to bag, scouring the floor for anything dropped, Kreacher had no time to admire the lavish room, though he had chosen it because he had known it was so expensive. Rowena Ravenclaw had wanted only the best for her students and her secondary tenet of an admirable and orderly common room (the first being only the most clever students in her house) had been handed down generation after generation.
The fireplace Kreacher had come out of was gigantic, the facade a gilt gold scene of Wizardry, and the mantle a deep mahogany. Everything in the room was of large proportions. There was a high ceiling that was supported by three Ionic columns that various students throughout the years had carved their names into.
"When I find what I need…" Kreacher muttered.
The tall windows were, of a night-time, covered with ornate curtains of blue and silver brocade. A dresser walked to and fro, picking up errant items of clothing, but not before Kreacher had checked the pockets.
"None here, none here, none anywhere. Lousy brats. Nasty blood traitors. Never wanted to come here. Meant to be with my mother. Meant to be with my Mistress…"
Finding little of value in the common room, Kreacher climbed one of the two staircases that lead to the dormitories.
"You has brought shame and disgrace on our family!" Winky howled when Kreacher showed her the money he had acquired, "I knows Harry Potter has not given you that money, Kreacher. I asks him just now for money and he says he has none but will give some when he goes to Hogsmeade. You've stole that!"
Kreacher crinkled his snoutlike nose, "I do what I have to do."
"That is for Kranky's education?" Winky asked in a hopeful voice, wiping her tear soaked face on her skirt.
"Good Merlin no!" Kreacher replied giving Winky a nasty little shove, "if Kranky had been brought up in the most Noble and Ancient house of Black we would not need money for his education. My Mistress would have provided for his instruction. He would not have your speech impediment."
"I don't have no speech impediment and you don't have no Mistress! Our Master is Harry Potter!" Winky screamed.
"I'll show you. I'll show them all…" Kreacher grumbled before snatching the money out of Winky's hand and making a hasty (but not too hasty) exit.
Winky crumpled into a pile on the floor and bawled. Her brown eyes swivelled to the back of her head, her large hands coming to cover them and she blew her nose on her skirt.
"We was happy for a while!" she sniffed, "he forgot for a bit. We was happy. Kreacher and Winky and Kranky and Winker. We was happy!" She cried longer and harder than she had done for a long time, unable to move from her spot on the floor, until she remembered how much work she had yet to do. Picking herself off of the floor, Winky hobbled over to the refrigerator.
It only took three butterbeers, but when Kreacher came back he found Winky curled up in a corner of their room, drunk as a skunk, as Kranky and Winker cried for food. She was completely insensible.
"You no-good lousy drunk mudblood lover of a house-elf!" he yelled before snatching Winky up. As Kranky and Winker's frantic voices carried throughout the house-elf quarters, the other house-elves cowered in their rooms. They didn't like Kreacher one little bit. They had tried to warn Winky that he wasn't quite right in the head, but then, neither was she, poor dear.
Kreacher hauled Winky along with him, ignoring his children's high-pitched crying. He carried her out of the room and house-elf quarters. His hunched little back looked about to break under the strain.
"Going to the highest tower, now," Kreacher muttered. "We'll see how drunk you can get when you're nothing but a smush on the ground!" Incapacitated, Winky merely moaned.
"Kreacher! What are you doing with Winky?" Hermione Granger called as she saw the house-elf dragging his wife above the balustrade of the staircase. The tower had seemed too far away and Kreacher had decided there was no time like the present. Hermione sprinted up the stairs.
"Kreacher! Put her down!" Hermione said, aghast.
"Filthy mudblood. I do not do as mudbloods tell me. Nasty brat!" Kreacher muttered furiously. The weight of Winky was crushing him as his frail hands made obscene gestures.
"Put Winky down, Kreacher!" Harry ordered. He had gone to see what was keeping Hermione from joining their snowfight and had seen the situation from a distance.
Under house-elf law, Kreacher had no choice but to obey Harry. He put Winky down to the side and continued to stand in front of the Witch and Wizard in humiliation. Ron ran up and looked at the scene in horror.
"Oh bloody hell, I knew this would happen eventually!" he gasped. "Hermione, I told you! I said, it's not natural for an insane house-elf and an alcoholic house-elf to get married. I said it would all end in disaster!" Harry nodded along with Ron.
"No! Everything will be okay. They just…" Hermione grappled for an excuse.
"Yes?" the boys asked.
"They just need marriage counselling… that's all!"
Meanwhile, Kreacher had taken Winky's foot and started dragging her back to the house-elf quarters muttering, "must remember to continue family line. Most Noble and Ancient House of House-Elves of Black must not finish like most Noble and Ancient House of Black. Must keep up tradition," whilst Winky gave a little hiccup.