Loz (lozenger8) wrote,

Knocks me off my feet...

Fandoms as relationships, as stolen from everyone.

This is hard for me to write about, because I've had crushes on a lot --- a hell of a lot --- and I can't really say who my first was. I was that kid falling in love every week, lovehearts in their eyes and constant soft smiles. It's very rare that I'll stop being devoted to those crushes. I'll still think of them with fondness, maybe catch up every now and then.

But true love? Deep as an ocean, high as a mountain, can make you cry and laugh or both within a minute? Well, I think you all know what my answer's going to be.

We met in February 2006. I liked him, we became friends. There was a wariness in our relationship. But July that year I fell into a deep passion, and I haven't recovered since.

I don't think we always have the healthiest relationship. On occasion, we seem to feed off each other. If I'm not around to start the ficathon tell him how much I love him, he goes quiet and withdrawn. If I don't have him, I feel a little lost. I mean, there are elements to his life I'm not involved in --- a whole world I'm not really party to (he has friends who aren't interested in me, and that's fine, because I'm not interested in them either.) And Lord knows I have enough to contend with away from our joint craziness. But it is true that the times I've turned my back on him, things haven't quite been the same. He's hurt me and broken my heart more than once, and I've done all kinds of things that could be seen as destructive. I've mocked him. I've bitched endlessly about his parents. I haven't always been faithful.

But when we're good, we're so good. We can't be separated. Untold happiness and creativity surrounds us both.

My parents like him, but they don't really understand him, and my brothers deliberately don't give a toss. I've made a lot of friends through him, but none of the ones I had before really know him well.

Lately, I've been casting him aside for his funnier, sweeter American cousin. They're similar in some ways, utterly and totally different in others. I don't think the cousin has the same substance as my one true love, but he does always make me feel full of glee and that's important.

I know I'll probably go back to Life on Mars from time to time; the passion hasn't dwindled through any of our disagreements. But I also know that I need someone that brings me more joy than he's capable of at this moment. The idea that I won't have him anymore causes me pain. I don't want to feel like I've given up on him like others have. I hope that if I leave him permanently, he'll have someone else who's willing to take on the same kind of role as mine in his life.

I don't know what the future brings.
Tags: fandom

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