Until yesterday and today, it would seem, where the years of complexes and sorrows have caught up with me and I've spent the entire day wallowing and getting teary.
And why did this suddenly happen? Apart from hormones, a deathly cold, and being in a certain position of my monthly cycle?
Why yes, it was because I realised last night that Lovely Teacher likes an attached colleague of ours more than he likes me.
Lovely Teacher was one of two people who received my drunken affection a few weeks ago. Surprisingly, despite the fact he mocks everyone constantly (in a nice, silly kind of way - not a nasty, perverse one), he hasn't mocked me about this. Which I thought was rather sweet, really. He could have said all kinds of things. Mostly he shied away from the subject.
I always get the feeling I'm pathetically obvious in my devotion, when I am devoted. And I'm fairly sure I am in this. But much like with my previous long-standing unrequited love affair, I don't really adore Lovely Teacher. I don't know him well enough. I just feel like I have the potential to adore him, and, so, I behave like a foolish fool --- subconsciously trying to win his approval. Trying to get to know him better.
And much like my previous long-standing unrequited love affair, I think he knows this, and his signals are very much of the, "I like you, Loz, but not like that. Never like that" variety. He doesn't have to say it. It's pretty much him not saying it that makes it clear.
The dangers of choosing to live one's life in fiction means you have a warped world view. You start to think that maybe a foolish fool like yourself could actually meet another foolish fool - through something innocuous like work - and maybe, just once, you'd have a shot of the kind of relationship that only exists for you as a series of connected concepts and nothing real or concrete.
Not me, though. Never me.
I kind of thought I'd sensibly given up on it, but apparently not.