I purposefully cut myself off from others. I know I do. I've done it before, I'll do it again. I find meeting people fraught with terror. I'm lazy. I can't do small talk. I like being alone a lot of the time.
But I can't help but feel sad when I see that what seems like almost everyone else in the world of Life on Mars fandom is meeting up and has met up and I --- I am here. I will always be here. And the people that I want to hang out with will always be there.
And it makes me petty and jealous and I don't especially like feeling that way. How dare you enjoy yourselves and make friends and have a good time without me. How cruel!
But, of course, it's not just Life on Mars fandom. I've always been like this. Creating my own little niche and then being upset when I see others have their own little collectives. I will probably always cut myself off and then occasionally feel resentful that I'm cut off.
And in this case, distance and money are very much the major factors in me not participating in fandom meet-ups - but, uh, I can't guarantee that I wouldn't be like this if I still lived in London or Hornsea, you know? Especially since there were plenty of opportunities in Adelaide to hang out with like-minded people, and I hardly ever took them.
Moving to Central Australia could easily be interpreted as me deliberately shutting myself away from the world, even though I always frame it as an inversion. As it turns out, I have school, talking to my family and this, this online life that I love, but most likely isn't enough.
I don't know if it's the particular place I am at, but there has not been the happy bonding times spoken about at induction. And it's not like I've been avoiding them. None of the teachers really want to spend time together outside of work. None of my students visit me.
I may actually be craving company. This is rare.