Loz (lozenger8) wrote,
Loz
lozenger8

First Lines...

As borrowed from china_shop - List the first lines of your last five or ten stories or so and then analyse them on the basis of "would they pull *me* in as a reader?"


Looking Through You [Gen, NC-17, LoM]
The others disappeared in short order. He saw them go, dissipating into thousands of tiny molecules, along with the scenery, the backdrop of 1973, until there was nothing left but him.

I remember working incredibly hard on this one, so I may be biased, but it would pull me in as a reader. To begin with, the first line - who are the others? why did they disappear? And then - who is the 'he' who saw them go?

Learnalilgivinanlovin [Sam/Gene, NC-17, LoM]
Sam bends down, pressing his lips to Gene's torso. The light covering of hair brushes against his nose, but he doesn't let it deter him, travelling down, down, down, leaving a trail of kisses in his wake.

Okay, well, we know who's doing what. The scene is set. 'Leaving a trail of kisses in his wake' doesn't actually make much sense, but it's an evocative image. Mmm. I don't know if I'd keep reading this one, because I don't generally make a habit of reading PWP, but that's me. (Yes, I write PWP on a regular basis, but rarely read it. I don't know.)

Erotic-uhh... [Glen/Chris, NC-17, LoM]
“There’s a certain art to writing erotica, I’ve found,” Chris was saying, chewing on some gum and his lower lip, hoping it would make inspiration spring forth.

“You’re writing erotica?” Glen asked, wondering if it was cruel and unusual punishment that he had been put on a stake-out with Chris as a welcome back to the station.


Exposition out the wazoo. I don't know if I'd continue reading this one. It seems a bit bland, despite the discussion of erotica.

Three Things [Nicholas/Danny, G, Hot Fuzz]
There are, perhaps, three things Nicholas Angel knows for sure. 1. Caffeine is dangerous and should be consumed, ingested and/or partaken of with care.

I'd read this one. I'd want to know what the other two things are. I'd like the reference to canon. The style is intriguing.

Some People I Know Think That I'm Crazy [Sam/Gene, NC-17, LoM]
There are notches in the wood at the head of the bed. Gene stares at them as he rocks into Sam for the first time. He’s waited for this, he shouldn’t be distracted, but he can’t help it. Notches.

But why are there notches in the wood at the head of the bed? I seem to start fics with something that will make you question. That doesn't sound like a Sam thing to do, does it? (So, naturally, the next lines follow along that line of thought.) I'd continue to read this.

St. Elsewhere [Gen, G, LoM]
Ordinarily, Sam neither likes nor dislikes Christmas. It’s another routine to slot into his heavily regulated schedule; alongside his quarterly facial, the annual office review, and tax file returns.

Hahaha. I'd continue to read this one just because I'm amused by the idea of a quarterly facial, but that's me. Obviously. Since I made the joke.

Been an Angel All Year [Sam/Annie, PG, LoM]
Sam thought he knew a lot of things. There were lots of things he did know; routine procedures and how many licorice allsorts he could get down the corner shop for 56 p.

So what doesn't he know? Yep. There we go again, instantly asking the question and wanting the answer. Mmm, licorice allsorts.

We Both Go Down Together [Sam/Gene, NC-17, LoM]
Gene’s breath bursts in jets of warm air against Sam’s neck. His fingers claw at the material at Sam’s shoulder, where droplets of blood converge against scraped skin.

It starts out reading like porn, but then there's the 'droplets of blood' - is this something Gene's done? Is it something else entirely? That would interest me. I'd want to know the rest.

Tactile [Sam/Gene, PG, LoM]
The first time Gene touched him in a way that didn't signal threat, Sam hardly noticed, although it sparked something in the back of his mind. It seemed natural, comfortable, an arm slung around his shoulder and Gene breathing heavily by his side.

Oh, boys. I'd definitely continue reading this one. If that was just the first time, I'd want to know about the others.

A Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven [Sam/Gene, NC-17, LoM]
This thing that they have, it makes Gene rattle. In his head, in his body. Always been steady before, held fast by gravity and tenacity.

Another evocative image. Sort of like trembling, but not, because Gene Hunt does not tremble. I'd continue to read this one too, because I'd want to know what this thing they have is. It turns out it's sex.

*

So, in conclusion - it's hard to be objective, but I'm relatively good at beginnings according to my own standards. I draw myself in. I find it interesting that I often make it very clear who's doing what. I remember a time when I didn't used to do that. Also, I appear to be writing a lot in the present tense lately.

It's the endings I have trouble with. I think it would be fascinating to analyse final lines of a story, to see whether they leave you feeling satisfied or something else. The problem with that, of course, is that an ending relies almost entirely upon the context of the piece. It might be a brilliant line, but it may not be the right ending for a certain story.

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