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Living Loz
The One with the Thing 
9th-Oct-2007 10:14 am
Loz Cola
Title: The One with the Thing
Fandom: Hot Fuzz and Life on Mars
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 1000 words
Notes: This was inspired by m31andy’s challenge of “Pick a character in any fandom and write their fanfic about their favourite show”. There are spoilers for the finale of Life on Mars and this is slashy in tone.

The car was bright and gleaming, light glinting off its windows. DI Sam Tyler stared at it, wondering why it looked familiar.

Did it remind him of that time he got shitfaced down the Railway Arms late one night and spewed all over someone’s bonnet?

Was it something his Dad drove, way back when, except not way back when, because he was there, way back now?

Perhaps he’d once been attacked in a car like this?

It was definitely giving him weird fucking feelings.

He shielded his blue eyes against the glare and set about---

“Tyler isn’t blue eyed, he’s brown eyed,” Angel said, looking over Danny’s shoulder at the computer screen and sipping his tea – it was 11.28 am.

Danny quickly glanced back at him. “No he ain’t.”

“Yes, he is. John Simm has brown eyes. Sometimes they’re more hazel looking. They’re never blue.”

Danny poked his tongue out and returned his concentration to the black pixels among the white. “Well, in my story, he’s got blue eyes.”


“I like blue eyes.”

They ran down the street, both of them breathing heavily, because I don’t know if you know this, but running when you’re being chased is really fucking tiring and all your muscles feel like they’re gonna give way and you want nothing more than to be able to sit down somewhere, maybe on a nice bench, surrounded by a light, flowing breeze.

“That’s a run-on sentence.”

Danny shrugged. “Don’t care.”

“It’s confusing,” Angel explained.

“My readers don’t care about confusion. They’re in it for the hardcore action scenes.”

“…Your readers?”

Sam punched him, once, twice, three times, straight in the gut. He was pissed off he didn’t have an AK-47 or Benelli M3 Super 90. Murphy punched him back.

They sparred for a long time – the time it takes to learn how to defuse a bomb, or make a really great ham and turkey sandwich with all the trimmings. Right hook, left hook, cut, jab. Sam’s blows glanced off Murphy’s nose more than once and soon it was looking bloodied and battered.

Sam took advantage of Murphy’s inability to keep his eyes straight and sent him down to the ground, pushing his head into the gravel. Murphy groaned.

Sam gave a big-arse grin and jumped over the series of fences like he’d no other care in the world.

“That’s my move!”

“It’s just the kind of thing Sam Tyler would do.”

“No it’s not.”

It was like everything around him was floating and he was stuck in glue. Sam’s head whirled. There was a crashing sound and he saw Murphy joining him on the vomit green carpet, blood pouring out his nose like niagara falls.

“You okay, Sammy-boy?” Gene’s voice asked - loud, but anxious.

Sam found he actually did have both his arms and brought one to his head. “I think so.”

“Ahh, you’ll be grand.”

Gene took Sam’s hand and damn near lifted him up and away.

“You’ve made Gene Hunt too nice.”

“He just smacked a bloke down,” Danny replied defensively.

“And then he went and helped Tyler up. In which episode did you see Hunt do that?”

“The first episode of the second series. On the roof of Crane’s club. Suck on that, bitch!”

“You win this time, Danny. This time.”

Gene stared around himself, looking like he had no idea what was going on. Sam realised with horror that he hadn’t, for Gene had amnesia.

“That is ridiculous. Gene with amnesia? Did you pick up a book of clichés and-”

Danny whirled around, giving Angel the finger. “If you don’t like it, Nick, don’t read it.”

“I do like it. Apart from that bit. That bit is wildly unrealistic.”

“And a bloke time travelling to 1973 isn’t?”

“He never time travelled. Matthew Graham said so.”

“Matthew Graham’s a fucker. He time travelled! How else did he convict Kramer and save Annie’s life and stuff?”

“The simple answer is that he didn’t. The series works on a logical fallacy. Sam never affected the future, because he was never in the past. It was all in his head.”

“If it were all in Sam’s head…”


“That’d mean he returned to something that wasn’t real.”


“What a load of cock. He time travelled.”

They’d solved the crimes, they’d celebrated, all there was left to do for the night was say goodbye and go home.

“I wanted to say thank you,” Sam said, twisting his mouth up and staring with those deep blue eyes of his.

Gene gave what was sort of a smile and sort of a grimace. “No need, Dorothy.”

“Maybe not, but I wanted to say it anyway.” Sam paused. He stepped over and put his hand on Gene’s shoulder. “You saved my life, Gene.”

“You’ve saved mine before now. Got me remembering who I was again. That’s no mean feat.”

“So why don’t you say it? I know you want to,” Sam said softly.

Gene pierced him with this look, all manly bravado and terse determination. A minute passed, but Sam waited patiently.

“Thank you, you nancy-boy, fruit-picking girly-girl,” Gene said in a rush. “There, happy?”

Sam grinned. “Close enough.”

“I… that section is very, uhm…”

“Dramatic? Inspiring?”

“I was thinking ‘gay’.”

“Yeah, I was going for the tone of the show.”

“You succeeded.”


Hee! Oh, boys!

Angel frowned at the computer screen. “What’s that?”

“My first comment on ‘The One with the Thing’.”

“Oh. Is that good?”

Danny grinned. “Yeah, it means she liked it a lot. She goes on to quote bits she enjoyed, which is like the number one way of knowing you did a good job.”

“Danny, are you going to come watch this movie or not?”

“Just lemme wait for a few more comments.” Danny scratched his chin. “I think I might write The Professionals fic next – give Bodie the Butterman treatment.”

Angel’s next words were unheard by Danny. “I wish you’d get off the sodding computer and give me the Butterman treatment.”

9th-Oct-2007 01:17 am (UTC)
*just... DIES*

Angel would be the most infuriating beta ever. XD
9th-Oct-2007 01:19 am (UTC)
He totally would :D

9th-Oct-2007 01:18 am (UTC)
I just want to shower you with puppies and cookies and gold stars. You are Queen of the fucking world and that was every kind of awesome in existence.

Now I want a sequel to Hot Fuzz with a cameo by Sam Tyler. And I want to send this cracky little fic to Simon Pegg. He'd give you a writing job in a heartbeat.
9th-Oct-2007 01:22 am (UTC)
I was just thinking that, since there was a Bad Boys II, it'd be kind of brilliant to have a Hot Fuzz II. I think, maybe, Simon and Edgar have already said that's not going to happen, but a girl can dream.

Thanks so much!

Did you see my straight HF fic from yesterday?
9th-Oct-2007 01:29 am (UTC)
She goes on to quote bits she enjoyed, which is like the number one way of knowing you did a good job.


No seriously, this was great. I am smiling very hard. I would read fic by Danny any day, even if it really was as bad as this.
9th-Oct-2007 01:33 am (UTC)


Danny's story was bad?

There were lots of bits missing, you know. I was trying to go for an effect where you could see there was potential for it being a good story. Obviously I FAILED. Oh, the horror.

(The amnesia bit was me being self-mocking, because, indeed, I did write a story where Sam was struck down by amnesia, and, oh man. Fun times.)

Thank you! :D
9th-Oct-2007 02:18 am (UTC)
Oh my God. *Bows down.* I am not worthy. This was seven kinds of win! I smiled from start to finish. AND I got the amnesia reference, since I know it's one of your pet tropes. Yay!

Here, you now officially own one internet. Also, you can have joint custody of this fangirl's soul, but you'll have to share with the Master. I'm so taking you to the Catriga Nova when we go to the stars.

I'd quote the best bits (since I understand it's the number one way of knowing you did a good job), but that would pretty much be all of it. So I'll just say:

Hee! Oh, boys!
9th-Oct-2007 02:20 am (UTC)

Hahahaha. I love you so much. Thank you!

Mmm. Sharing with the Master. Why did my mind suddenly flick to bad places?
9th-Oct-2007 04:12 am (UTC)
I haven't seen Hot Fuzz (yeah I know, shame on me), but I still loved this.

The part that started “He never time travelled. Matthew Graham said so.” (I won't quote the whole bit) made me go YES! I would have punched the air, but that is, frankly, far too energetic for me. But you get the gist...

9th-Oct-2007 07:31 am (UTC)
Hahaha. Oh, my personal vendetta against Matthew. Poor boy. More angry fiction has been inspired by his name than any other.

Go and rent Hot Fuzz now. It's randomly ridiculous, but brilliant in all of these perfect little ways. I love it. Also Angel = Sam.

Thank you!
9th-Oct-2007 04:24 am (UTC)
For the WIN!!! ROTF, my hubby's going to love this!
9th-Oct-2007 07:30 am (UTC)
:D Thanks!
9th-Oct-2007 05:11 am (UTC)
“I… that section is very, uhm…” “Dramatic? Inspiring?” “I was thinking ‘gay’.” <--BWAH!

This was incredibly hilarious, and I especially love the bit where Angel points out that Gene would never be that nice, and the bit about how he jumps over fences, not Sam - because he and Sam were separated at birth...

Just utterly brilliant and hilarious!
9th-Oct-2007 07:29 am (UTC)
Angel and Sam were totally separated at birth.

Thank you! :D
9th-Oct-2007 06:05 am (UTC)
Love it! No idea who these characters are, but it doesn't spoil it. (Now I understand your point about how you can enjoy something even more if you get all the references - I can really see that going on here, both with the LJ ones I get and the Hot Fuzz ones I don't).

So many clever bits in here, and those gently (?) mocking references to the little world we have going on here.

And I don't care, but I'm going to quote my favourite bit:

"He never time travelled. Matthew Graham said so.”

“Matthew Graham’s a fucker. He time travelled!"

Great stuff.
9th-Oct-2007 07:28 am (UTC)
They were less than gentle, they were warmly affectionate. More self-mocking than anything else.

I love it when people quote parts from my fics. That was me just stating fact. Don't you love it when people quote bits back at you?

I also love Matthew Graham, but I love making pointed references about him more. *cough*

Thank you!
9th-Oct-2007 07:12 am (UTC)
"Hee, boys!" indeed.

Even though I haven't seen Hot Fuzz yet (yes, I know - bad Neuralclone! %-) I loved this. It put a great big smile on my face at the end of a long, hard day. And, you know, this format is fairly adaptable. You could write, for example, Sam Tyler writing Doctor Who fanfic:

The Master cowered as everyone took up Martha's Jo Grant's chant of "Doctor!" and the Doctor started to glow and floated across the room.

"Oh come on, Sam," said Annie. "That's not even slightly believable!"
9th-Oct-2007 07:25 am (UTC)

Oh yes. Um. The next for Andy's challenge is Gene writing The Good, the Bad and the Ugly fan fiction, if I can bring myself to write it.

Thank you!

You would love several aspects of Hot Fuzz.
9th-Oct-2007 09:35 am (UTC)
Oh. My. G-d. You. Rule. Period.

Seriously, I began to giggle when I read: Sam realised with horror that he hadn’t, for Gene had amnesia

This was so fantastic. I can totally see Nick repsonding to fics that way. He's a bit like you as a beta. *Wink!* Speaking of beta...

Dude, seriously, I loved this fic so much. It was so utterly fantasticly awesome. I need to come up with more words to describe the awesomeness, but I can't. Go Loz!

9th-Oct-2007 10:16 am (UTC)
♥ Thank you!

You need beta work?
9th-Oct-2007 09:52 am (UTC)
Hee, boys!


Sam gave a big-arse grin and jumped over the series of fences like he’d no other care in the world.

“That’s my move!”

“It’s just the kind of thing Sam Tyler would do.”

“No it’s not.”

Oh, oh, oh. Am laughing too hard here. There seriously needs to be more HF/LoM out there!


9th-Oct-2007 10:17 am (UTC)
The thing with HF/LoM is that I LOVE it, but it is, actually, quite hard to write.

Thanks :D
9th-Oct-2007 10:06 am (UTC)
This fic is love ♥ It *really* works, I could hear their voices and everything. Brilliant last line! :D
9th-Oct-2007 10:17 am (UTC)
Thanks so much :D
9th-Oct-2007 10:46 am (UTC)
Danny writing fanfiction! Have I died and gone to heaven? I've been overdosing on Hot Fuzz at the mo and this is just SQUEE. "I was going for the tone of the show" "you succeeded" lol, in fact, there are far too many things for me to quote. And is it so wrong that I've fallen in love with Nick Frost, and I'm blaming Philip for it? Poor Phil, not logical but anyway. And you've set my mind into overdrive and now I'm wondering what it would be like for Gene to be partnered with Danny, torture, even after Gene hit him he wouldn't shut up. And then there'd be Nick and Sam, desperately trying to get back to their partners realising how much they missed them... you are amazing and I love you and I apologise for this ramble but this is perfection *hugs*
9th-Oct-2007 11:01 am (UTC)

I tried to write a straight HF/LoM crossover and it became a bit of a nightmare, but I love that idea.

Thank you!
9th-Oct-2007 01:16 pm (UTC)
"Matthew Graham's a fucker"


This fic is one hundred percent WIN! :D
9th-Oct-2007 01:46 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much :D
(Deleted comment)
9th-Oct-2007 02:20 pm (UTC)
Thank you :D
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