It always seems like I'm running behind. There's a million things I desperately need to do and another million I should be doing and then those things I'd like to do. And this is it, Real Life. It's startlingly similar to Virtual Life, only with more talking.
I'm not the teacher I want to be. I keep telling myself that's okay, of course I'm not, I'm learning, but I wish my patience extended further (I can be very patient. I can also be extraordinarily impatient. Sometimes I'm downright dispatient.) I wish I could be better organised and possessed of more drawing skill. I wish I could think of more exciting things than cutting and gluing and colouring in (which are all necessary - fine motor skills, but I get so bored and wouldn't blame the kids if they did too.) I wish, I wish, I wish, you know?
And it seems perfectly natural to have complained about being unemployed for six months and now to complain about employment. As humans, we crave disappointment. I'm not really disappointed. I knew what I was getting myself in for. But there are days - like today - where I am keenly aware of all of the ways I fail in being who I want to be. Because I spent a lot of the time wishing it would end. Sure, I'm well aware that this is the default for most people who work, but I am a romantic with romantic ideals.
