I wish DECS would send me a letter or call me up to tell me I've got a job. Just spring it on me.
"Hey Loz! We got you this job in Lobethal!" And I'd go "YAY" and "my life is beginning" and "oh unholy mother of satan, I'm terrified." But it would be real, you know? I was thinking about it yesterday. A proper job that I'm qualified for. A small place of my own. I'd need to buy a washing machine. It would almost be like I'm an adult. You know, I kind of love living with my parents and writing fan fiction and distracting myself from the fact I'm sodisconnectedfromeveryoneohmygod, but that's the problem. I like it too much. I know this. And then I come and whinge about it, and that's it, I'm good for another week.
Trust me to get into the kind of profession where you do actually have to wait for someone else to give you the ability before you can take control. That's what I do. I just sit back, passive, waiting for stuff to come to me. This is why I'm not a professional singer, actor, or writer. I haven't gone out there and got an agent, gone for auditions or sold myself. (Uh, lack of talent in any of the above notwithstanding too, of course.) This is why I'm omgsoalone. Even when I've already said I need to take over my life, I'll do something - a token something - and then continue on my merry way waiting. And somehow, the fact that I know this makes it okay. It's not okay. Why can't I get that into my brain?!
Whenever I go and live my life, it's always because I've been forced to. I'm an entirely reactionary person. I wish I had the ability to force myself.
Now that I've written that down, I can go another week safe in the knowledge I know I'm a terrible, terrible person, and feel good because at least I've admitted it to the world at large. Hi.