I find friendship difficult. I'm not - well, I have a history of not being - good with people. I've mentioned before that I am rarely knowledgeable when it comes to etiquette. I prefer to do as much observation as possible before stepping forward and making a noise, and this tends to disconcert those for whom the trait of 'quiet' holds threat. I find small-talk troubling, never able to think of anything to talk about, positive that what I do have to say is intensely boring, often finding that the questions I ask have short answers, and I get put off by everyday distractions.
I'm scared of human interaction, so I don't go out of my way to go out and meet people. There's no club-hopping, club-joining, club-wielding for me. I've sort of... happily lived my life in a bubble. Not always happily. And not always living.
When I do get to know someone, I can be very affectionate. When I like someone, it's patently obvious. I'm not a tactile person, I don't touch, but I express myself with smiles and words and gestures. In the past, I've felt that sometimes I've gone too far, and, I don't know, these days I don't think I go far enough. I've closed myself off even more. Not counting my family, I've had fewer than five people in my life who I would say were close friends. Geographically, some of them haven't even been close at all.
So, as I said in the beginning, friendship is, in a lot of ways, an ideal for me.
The friendships I've had, and do have, are precious to me - but the way I think of them isn't quite the same as the fictional friendship I idealise. In my experience, real friendship has been less clear-cut, more fraught with miscommunication, less comfortable - and, you know, I'm not sure if that's just a 'me' thing, or whether that's just real life.
But I love friendship. I love the idea of friendship. That two people can be close and connected without familial or sexual ties. I think friendship is underrated. It involves a lot of trust. It involves loyalty. And respect. These are traits which I find admirable.
Um. I'm so tempted to say "will you be my friend?" now. Sorry :D
