Loz (lozenger8) wrote,
Loz
lozenger8

Um. Yeah.

On sex.

And no, this isn't that post you're thinking it is. Not quite, anyway.



Okay, so sex? I've said many times it scares me. Yeah, it does. I know, I'm supposed to be an open-minded freethinking individual who lives in a modern world, but I'm also an emotional screwball who hasn't had much contact with others on a physical setting. When people touch me, I react, always. A university colleague put her hand on my shoulder the other day and it took a lot of willpower not to yank my body away. That whole intimacy thing freaks me out. And even though my logical side says sex is the hokey cokey with an exchange of STIs (unless you use protection, which you should do), my emotional side says please don't even be thinking about that, it's just wrong. Suffice it to say, I'm a repressed person.

Except, lately, not so much. I'm, um, coming to grips with my sexuality. With having a sexuality. Which goes beyond making jokes laced with innuendo, which I have always done, and includes me starting to not see sex as some icky thing other people do that I'd rather not know about (like going to a solarium.) I've sort of, perhaps, read some of the smut which is so prevalent in a couple of my fandoms? And maybe even... written another porntastic piece (which is still probably horrendously bad, but now actually includes explicit description and stuff.) Just the very fact I belong to getfraserlaid is not right. And this makes me totally flail worthy.

I knew this would happen eventually. I blame fandom. No really, I do. Fandom's this big happy place where sex is seen as a cheerful commodity and it's rubbing off on me. I feel... corrupted. Okay, so I do know that it's hardly corruption, because it's completely natural, and at my age, since I do identify myself as heterosexual, having a functional sex drive is not strange in the slightest.

But still! Who am I if I'm not the one who avoids that kind of thing? I'm a whole new person. I'm slightly less repressed and maybe slightly more emotionally stable and that's just not me! I'm not that girl! I'm the girl who shades her eyes and goes bright pink and makes small whimpering noises when gooey things happen on the screen. Not the one who leans forward and tilts their head with a small smile playing on their lips. Sex should still be scaring me enough so that I'm not actively involving myself in discussing it, reading it or writing it. And it isn't that I think curiosity is a bad thing, because I'm the great question-asker, it's just... *flail* you know? *flail* *flail* *flail*

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