In the pursuit of faster broadband and a higher download quota, we have been without internet access since Friday evening. This has lead to the manifestation of clear withdrawal symptoms in certain individuals of the family.
The first noticeable withdrawal symptom was Compulsive Clicking Syndrome.
When I browse the internet, I usually do so with 5-7 tabs open. I have grown accustomed to rampant clicking, here, there and everywhere, to navigate within a web of information. Without the internet, the number of clicks per minute has been severely reduced. This has had the consequence of me simply sitting at the computer clicking at nothing on the desktop just to feel the comforting sensation. I would not leave the computer for hours at a time so that I could click, click away. It was decided the best thing to do was to attach a disused mouse to my belt for easy access whenever I felt the urge.
The second noticeable withdrawal symptom was Compulsive Chatting Disorder.
My brother Nick mostly uses the internet to chat with friends on MSN. A day without internet yielded Nick in the lounge room chatting extensively to everyone and anyone who would listen. It became so severe he started having long and involved conversations with the bamboo plant in the corner. The solution to this problem was to reinstall The Sims 2 so that Nick could feel like he was having some interaction with an individual, without causing intense ear-ache to all and sundry. So far, results have proved inconclusive. Nick informed me yesterday that the bamboo plant in the corner should henceforth be referred to as Eric.
The third noticeable withdrawal symptom shares a link with Compulsive Chatting Disorder. It is known as Compulsive Conviction Affliction.
Heretofore being accustomed to sharing my opinion on all manner of subjects at all times of the day, I find myself assailing family members, colleagues and people on the street with my feelings on such things as the bus trip to University, the piece of cheese I just ate and how excited I am I finally figured out why I was getting blisters on my feet. I have been spouting useless facts at random passers by and expecting them to give me random facts in return. When people have refused to give me their opinion on the newspaper headline, the apricot they just ate or what shampoo they use, I have walked away in dismay, in search of someone who might participate at the level I crave.
The fourth noticeable withdrawal symptom manifested itself in both Nick and myself at the same time. It is known as Compulsive Cheerlessness Complaint.
We are unfortunately exhibiting strong signs of emotive detachment. Without handy emotive icons :p ;) in constant use, we have become confused as to how to express joy and satisfaction. Instead, we sit in the lounge room, staring blankly at the wall. The emotions are there somewhere, but without clear indicators at our disposal, we do not know what to do. It was suggested we mock up flashcards to use whenever the need arose.
Unfortunately, we will be without home internet for around two weeks. If drastic measures are not taken soon, I am unsure as to how we will fare. Internet addiction rots your brain. Rots your brain like crack cocaine.
I'm back on crack, and so very, very pleased. This was the longest time I've been without the internet since the age of 16. Let it never happen again.