I am not crying every night. I'm not constantly mopey. I'm not sleeping too much, eating too much, forgetting my manners.
I am feeling inbetween.
Oh I know what it is. It's the very real sense that this year brings a lot of new things to me. That after this year it will be no more University.
And who the fuck will I be then? I've always known who I am, I've always known. I've known my darkest flaws. I've known, even if I've sometimes undervalued, my strengths. And I've known how to use them both to best advantage. I've known how to manipulate myself into not doing all the things I've wanted to by a strict moderation of fear, avarice and prejudice. Last year, early last year, I found it starting to unravel. I came up against points where my actions surprised me. I surprised myself for the very first time and it terrified me, so I stopped surprising myself and went back to who I knew to be, how I knew to exist. And I loved it.
But after this, I'm going to be a qualified teacher. I'm going to have to be totally self-reliant. In everything. I'm going to be surprising myself again.
I hate change. I hate it. I hate the natural gradual change where you look back and you realise, you feel, that those words you once uttered are as if another uttered them. I hate sudden immediate change when you have to make a quick snap adjustment.
I hate the thought of not knowing who I am, what I want, and how to avoid getting what I really need.
