October 12th, 2008

due South (Ray K is Smug and Pretty)

But so much time goes to waste...

Reading fanficrants makes me depressed, and yet, I don't commit most of what gets ranted about. Sure, there's the occasional slip, but on the whole, the usual suspects don't make it into my writing.

But I'm always worrying I'm no good and it prevents me from being good. The couple of times I've not cared about what other people would think, I wrote the kinds of stories I wanted to. But then... most of the time, if I'm not writing for an audience, I'm not writing, I'm just seeing it all in my head (like these past three weeks --- plenty of Psych fiction thoughts, no words on the screen.) It's annoying, to say the least.

I worry that my writing is mediocre. Not bad. Just, not great. Oh, there might be a good line here or there, and hey, I've probably got the tone of the original source, but what else is there? My story is the kind of thing you read and enjoy and that is excellent, we all love to read and enjoy things, I never put enjoyment down, but it's not the thing you come back to and reread and enjoy because --- well, as I said, it was okay, possibly good even, not fantastic.

It's like I know all of the pieces that go into good writing, and good writing that's in the kind of style I really like, but I never know how to put them all together in the correct order and so I often end up with things that are structurally sound, maybe, but not that interesting, or that are interesting, but not structurally sound. And I've got to the point where I'm seriously contemplating just taking an axe to the puzzle.

When I'm like this, I just... I hate writing so much. I don't know why I torture myself with it. I never know why I take it so seriously. I think I'm a loser.