March 30th, 2008

Loz Target

Me and fandom...

For the most part, I really enjoy fandom. I've moved from mono-fandom to multi-fandom to (mostly) mono-fandom again. I've made friends through fandom who I now consider personal friends as opposed to fannish friends. I've discussed topics I never thought I'd discuss, with people I never thought I'd meet.

And it's crazy. Fandom is insane. Full of insane people. I've sometimes adopted that insanity and rolled my eyes at myself. When is an opinion no longer an opinion and just wank? I'm quite sure I've stepped over the line.

Sometimes, though, it just gets me down. I have as many unrealistic expectations of fandom as I do of real life.

I want other people to contribute, so I set up events that I think are accessible, attempting to promote discussion, fic writing, and general squee. And sometimes this works. And sometimes this doesn't. And of course, the failures stick in my mind most clearly.

I feel sad when that story I slaved over for several weeks gets less comments than the picspam that took me twenty minutes. I feel sad that only 2-10% ever comment anyway, depending on the day. I feel sad that some wonderful writers don't get as many comments as I do just because I've been posting since way back when. And annoyed that some whom I don't consider good writers at all get plenty.

There are people I don't get along with, and probably will never get along with --- but I persist in trying to form positive relationships with them. When that doesn't work, I silently glower at them and then feel bad because I'm wishing another person ill will for often exceedingly trivial reasons.

There are people who I wish would stay out of my happy-fun-place, because they're dragging mud on my nice cream carpet. Take your wank elsewhere, this is a place for my wank.

And as I said, it's crazy. It's meant to be fun. It's meant to enrich life, not make you angry and more neurotic than you were before. As with everything, it's about balance and a sense of proportion and, ultimately, acceptance.