Loz (lozenger8) wrote,

Oh. Right.

I get the feeling I'm going to have to spend my birthday exchanging christmas gifts with Amy, Roden, Amy's boyfriend Nathan and Roden's ex girlfriend Amanda.

Hmm. Considering how awful I was to Nathan, forgetting his birthday, and by extension Amy, I know I'm going to have to make this compromise.

I want to give gifts and see smiles of happiness. I want to see my friends. I do.

Thing is - there's this odd part of me who wants to crawl under the bed on my 21st and forget all about it. Still. I already feel 21 so I don't see the point "celebrating" it. To me, it's a marker of all the things I haven't done. Again. This year was supposed to be different - and it was - in an entirely negative way. I don't feel like saying "hey, another year has gone (and Loz you're still a loser)."

Because sometimes I really feel like a loser, and I know it's entirely my fault. I hate that feeling and I don't want to feel it. I know I probably will if I spend my birthday like that. When I spend time with my Adelaide friends there's a good part of me that wants to scream and run and hide. I almost always find that spending time like that is a catalyst for my depression. It's true. I can't explain it.

I really enjoyed my 19th birthday, which Amy, Simon and others threw a surprise "party" for. That was nice. But there was someone there that time and that made me feel special, not a failure, not lost in her own world. And that was a silly feeling at the time, for reasons I don't feel the need to go into.

I'm rambling and you probably don't and shouldn't understand. I'm a terrible friend for many reasons, really.

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