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Living Loz
Can't Keep Myself and Still Keep You Too  
7th-Nov-2011 12:10 am
Life on Mars (Sam & Gene are awesomely n
Title: Can't Keep Myself and Still Keep You Too
Fandom: Life on Mars
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 1,820 words
Notes: Sam/Gene PWP, written for Kink Bingo prompt 'tied down.' Title from "Love Lockdown", by Kanye West.
Warning: Bondage, characters not entirely understanding nor respecting one another's kinks.
Summary: It worries him, that’s what. He isn’t even ashamed to admit that. Gene’s used to worrying about his team. He has a responsibility for them, for their actions and their downfalls.

It scares him. He wouldn’t say that, hopes he never lets it show. But it does. Sam’s desperation to test himself, test them. There’s only so much he can take. Gene’s not sure which ‘he’ he means.

At first it’d been simple. Normal, almost. Except for the fact they’re blokes and blokes aren’t meant to lust after each other. All Sam asked for was to be fucked hard, harder, up against the wall of Lost & Found, among the dusty archives of the Collator’s Den, in Gene’s office when the cleaning crew had just gone. And that was --- well, it wasn’t nice, but it felt good. Pounding into Sam, pushing fast, faster, swivelling his hips so he hit him dead-on every time, at that spot that made him shudder apart.

But then the requests got more and more bizarre.

‘Clutch my wrists, Gene.’

‘Hold me down.’

‘Fuck me ‘til I’m aching. Bruise me. Slap me round. Make me feel.’

It worries him, that’s what. He isn’t even ashamed to admit that. Gene’s used to worrying about his team. He has a responsibility for them, for their actions and their downfalls. Sam’s insistence that he’s numb without Gene’s hands on him, cock driving in and out, voice low and throaty in his ear --- it isn’t right.

“Will you do something for me?” Sam asks, and Gene wants to say no, because, even though it’s dark here in Lost & Found, he’s clocked the thin rope in Sam’s left hand and he’s on his way to figuring out what the request might be.

“I’m not into sadism,” he says. He can hear the tremor edging around the underbelly of the words. They speak of fear and uncertainty. He hates how Sam can make him feel so weak.

“Could’ve fooled me,” Sam intones, all wry smile and mischievous eyes. Like this is a game, a walk in the park, Sunday tea. “C’mon. You know you’ve been imagining it since you saw me handcuffed to my cot.”

It isn’t a lie and Gene’s not proud.

“Where does it end, Sam?”

“Who says it has to?”

Sam slides forward, presses the rope into Gene’s hand as he brushes his lips over his jaw. It’s tender and commanding all at once and Gene doesn’t know how it manages to make him go jelly-limbed, but somehow it always does.

There are four separate pieces of rope in his hands. Gene’s breath catches in his throat at the feel of them. Fibres scratch against his fingers as he examines the rope, a cursory measurement. It’s about a quarter-inch in diameter, more like thick twine in some ways. Gene doesn’t know why he’s starting to harden in his trousers, how his heart-rate has increased to the point where he notices it. The idea of having to physically restrain Sam shouldn’t excite him, but it has done ever since Sam came storming into his station ranting like a madman. The idea of taming that fury is intoxicating. Perhaps insanity is infectious.

Sam notices his reaction, couldn’t not, with his skills in observation, not with his fixed, scrutinising gaze. His lips curve even more, his eyes crinkle at the corners. He looks incongruently sweet considering what he’s asking for. Ordering.

“Okay,” Gene says. His voice is whisper quiet, he isn’t even sure the word was audible until Sam nods.

Sam begins to strip. Gene’s tongue clicks against the roof of his mouth.

“Here? Now?”

He knows the door lock works and that only the skeleton crew and cleaners are in the building --- a total of seven people in the immediate vicinity at most --- but this feels far too intimate for the station.

Sam continues to undo his shirt buttons. “I’ve never known you to back down from a challenge.”

“You haven’t known me that long.”

Sam raises an eyebrow. “Like that’s ever stopped either of us before.”

“Quit the chatter and keep going, Tyler. Can’t wait here all night. Some of us have soft, warm beds to go to.”

Gene finds it far easier to keep a lid on his emotions when he’s faking bravado. He’s made a career out of it, pretending he’s not emotionally attached to cases by acting the big man of the department, the bloke with the brass balls. It’s a shame Sam always sees straight through the façade.

Sam’s carefully placed his shirt over the chair back and is pulling his undershirt up over his head. His muscles tense with the action, his ribs start to show, and it doesn’t seem to matter how many times he’s seen this display, Gene’s body responds all of its own accord.

When Sam is naked he doesn’t even have the decency to look mildly embarrassed. He stands there, brazen, waiting. His confidence is alluring in the same way his fighter’s instinct is. It tests any preconceptions one might have owing to his slight build and anally retentive nature.

“How were you thinking this would go?” Gene questions, because this is Lost & Found after all, and some interrogation should occur.

“I’ll lie on my stomach, against the table top. Tie my ankles here,” Sam points at a table leg, “my wrists on the other side. The rope should be long enough.”

“Bet you were in here with a tape measure earlier, weren’t you? Ensuring everything went to plan.”

“Was, as it happens. Good for you to recognise my organisational skills.”

“Recognise. Deplore. One and the same with you, in’t it?”

Sam seems so submissive as he allows Gene to tie him. That’s his act. The one Gene sees through. Sam may be a masochist in many ways, but there is nothing unresisting or obedient about him. He doesn’t want to be controlled, not really, he just wants to be hurt.

Gene doesn’t want to hurt Sam, no matter what his cock is insisting. It’s never been about granting pain. He doesn’t find gratification in causing the types of degradation Sam’s been showing a predilection for. Sam looks beautiful spread before him, all tied up with nowhere to go, but he looks beautiful in the fragile kind of way that Gene couldn’t bear breaking.

He smoothes his hand over the dip of Sam’s pale lower back, rubbing a circle into the paper-thin skin stretched over his spine. He’s almost translucent there, and Gene’s pulse thrums harder as he thinks about that, about delicacy belied by hard bone.

“Feel free to begin at any time,” Sam says, slightly muffled.

“I have,” Gene informs him.

He sweeps his hand up and across, lightly as he can, over the planes of Sam’s back. Watching with avid interest as he strokes over his sides and Sam’s thighs bunch and tense. If Sam wants to feel, he can feel this --- care, tenderness and devotion. Gene will be just as vulnerable as he is, because that’s how they work; they’re equals and they compromise, and Sam may always be trying to tip the balance, but he won’t succeed.

“This isn’t what we agreed,” Sam says after a deliberately slow three minutes. Gene hasn’t kissed him, yet, but he will, soon, he has to.

“All I agreed to was tying you up. I never made any other promises.”

“You bastard.”

“You knew that.” Gene skims feather-light touches against Sam’s shoulders. “You want to feel, Sam, this is your chance.”

“It’s not enough.”

“That’s not what the rest of you has been saying. Every touch provokes a reaction. See, if I touch you here,” Gene presses gently against the sides of Sam’s neck, “you clench here.” Sam’s buttocks tighten. “And so much more besides.”

Sam lets out a long, low groan. “I know you enjoy ritualistic torture, Gene, but this isn’t fair.”

Gene ignores Sam’s protests. He hasn’t struggled with his bindings, hasn’t asked Gene to let him up. He’s whinging for the love of his own voice.

“It doesn’t always have to hurt.”

There’s an angry ‘harumph’ sound, but Sam goes silent. Gene continues to lightly brush his fingers over the expanse of his stretched out limbs, and bends down to add his lips and tongue to the endeavour.

Sam is salty-sweet. He has several dips and hollows that could entice and attract a man. Where he’s soft, he’s like velvet, where he’s hard, he’s like ice. He’s form and texture and taste and exquisite.

Sam wriggles as Gene paints trails across him with saliva. Does his best to push up when Gene presses sloppy kisses against the creases where his thighs meet his buttocks. Damn near arches when Gene spreads him open and licks. And licks. And licks.

Sam’s shuddering, moving insistently in such a way it’s obvious he’s attempting to gain friction, but his ties are unyielding and there isn’t much leeway. It can’t be comfortable, but Sam probably enjoys that. He’s practically sobbing, all heavy, tight breaths and strangely high-pitched whines.

“Does this feel real, Sam?” Gene asks as he pulls back, away, because that’s what Sam’s always asking for, it’s the thing that scares him the most. “Is it reality for you now?”

“Yeah, Gene, yes. Please, please…”

Sam’s incoherent with lust, and Gene’s afraid he’s going to shatter. Even when he’s being kind, he’s cruel. He slicks his fingers up and works Sam’s hole, sliding in and out just this side of hard. He crooks his fingers so that he continually strokes at the spot that makes Sam go very, very still, before shivering all over. Sam is tight around him, hot, and for a moment Gene wishes it was his cock driving into him. It could be, he knows, he could lose himself that way and Sam would love it. But he wants to finish as he began. He wants to show Sam that there isn’t only one way, so he twists his fingers just so.

Sam doesn’t make a sound when he spasms around Gene’s fingers. His whole body shakes, his come no doubt smears against his belly and the polished table top, but he doesn’t groan, or keen, or vow pledges to God. There’s nothing from him until Gene bends down and unties the ropes holding him in place. There are marks where the ropes were. Not burns, they’ll fade in due course, but reddened marks where the fibres scratched over and over. Gene hasn’t come yet. His body lets him know.

“You’re still a bastard.”

“That’s what you need, isn’t it? That’s what you want?”

Sam rolls over, stands awkwardly. It looks like he may have pulled a leg muscle, he’s favouring his left side.

And for the first time since this whole thing began Sam asks, “And what do you want?”

There aren’t enough words to explain, he’s not even sure he knows how he’d articulate it to himself, so Gene just moves forward, slides one hand up to cradle Sam’s jaw, and kisses him softly.

6th-Nov-2011 02:55 pm (UTC)
Hugely enjoyable fic. Like Gene indulging Sam's kinks but also trying to teach him to like the soft stuff too. There was lots of lovely intimacy amongst the snark.
7th-Nov-2011 10:43 am (UTC)
Thank you :D

Snark and intimacy is the concise way of explaining why these two are my main OTP.
6th-Nov-2011 03:16 pm (UTC)
Ooooh...this is fantastic. You've done an amazing job of demonstrating Gene's own mix of hard and soft. I've also always read Sam as a non-submissive masochist but hadn't thought much about how Gene would feel about that.

At the back of my mind, there was this sense that Gene would do it to more to make Sam happy than as a reflection of his own desires in bed, but I hadn't considered his feelings much beyond that. This feels absolutely right, from Gene being "kind" and "cruel" in a way Sam didn't expect to that moment when Sam realizes he's never asked what Gene wants.

I love how you hinted from the beginning that Gene might want gentler sex in a bed--"it wasn't nice, but it felt good" and then go deeper into his fear for Sam and his telling Sam about his wish to be in a nice warm bed.

7th-Nov-2011 10:43 am (UTC)
Thank you! ♥

Yeah, I seem to have contradictory views about both Sam and Gene in any given week. I tend to think neither of them are strictly submissive or dominant. But there's such a masochistic streak in Sam, it's hard to ignore.

I'm glad this rang true. That's always my main aim in fiction. 'Is this halfway plausible?'
6th-Nov-2011 05:31 pm (UTC)
This is truly wonderful. I'm dead tired and not really awake enough to give proper feedback but just know that to me this is a perfect story. If forced tenderness can be a kink it's mine. Big time.
7th-Nov-2011 10:40 am (UTC)
Thank you so much ♥

6th-Nov-2011 10:07 pm (UTC)
It is so easy to imagine Gene as the hard man wanting hard sex; he's a rough man, in canon, and he certainly gets physical in a way that takes Sam by surprise... but the idea of Sam wanting pain, wanting to feel in order to be real is also so deliriously true to canon.

This is amazing. You've painted such a delicate picture of Gene's feelings, here. How well Gene knows himself and how hard it is to articulate.
7th-Nov-2011 10:39 am (UTC)
♥ Thank you.

For me, it's all about characters having different layers. Gene's admitting here that there's a part of him that is turned on by what Sam wants, but he wants something else too, and... Gene's such a traditionalist in so many ways when it comes to sex.
6th-Nov-2011 10:21 pm (UTC)
This is the second absolutely mind-blowingly fabulous LoM fic that I've read this evening... *sighs contentedly* As basaltgirl says, it's so deliciously true to canon and the scenario in my head as I read this (having just re-watched S1 E1 earlier this evening) is every bit as vivid as my memory of the show itself. Lovely.

Edited at 2011-11-06 10:21 pm (UTC)
7th-Nov-2011 10:37 am (UTC)
Thank you very much ♥
6th-Nov-2011 11:01 pm (UTC)
This is fantastic :D Oh, Gene <3
7th-Nov-2011 10:37 am (UTC)
Thank you ♥ I second the 'oh, Gene'.
7th-Nov-2011 02:08 am (UTC)
Trust you to write something that should be basic kink!porn and instead is wonderfully insightful character study. That ending was a killer. Gorgeous. ♥

Edited at 2011-11-07 02:09 am (UTC)
7th-Nov-2011 10:36 am (UTC)
Thank you!

I try to do porn, but somehow it almost always ends up as character fic. I can never quite get it just to be about sex.
7th-Nov-2011 02:26 am (UTC)
Oh yes, I really enjoyed this one, so much visceral feeling and character reactions that are so dead on. I love that Sam's the real aggressor in this, and the way that Gene takes advantage of the role he's been handed to make Sam come apart in this way he never asked for, but whew, is it hot.

That, and Bet you were in here with a tape measure earlier, weren’t you? totally cracked me up. :D

Great work, thanks for sharing!
7th-Nov-2011 10:35 am (UTC)
Thanks so much :D

I generally try to inject a bit of humour into everything I write.
7th-Nov-2011 04:29 pm (UTC)
Sam’s insistence that he’s numb without Gene’s hands on him, cock driving in and out, voice low and throaty in his ear --- it isn’t right.
This rings so absolutely true for Sam and it pains me. It also makes me love you, because character insight like whoa, but :(

Fibres scratch against his fingers as he examines the rope, a cursory measurement. It’s about a quarter-inch in diameter, more like thick twine in some ways.
I love how you zoom in on these details. It made me pause and concentrate more, focuses the imagination so that what comes next is even more effective.

he looks beautiful in the fragile kind of way that Gene couldn’t bear breaking.
My absolutely favourite line. Gosh. ♥
8th-Nov-2011 08:12 am (UTC)
Thanks so much :D ♥
7th-Nov-2011 09:34 pm (UTC)
This is great. I love how Gene is the one longing for gentle, tender sex here. Hopefully he has made Sam understand that it doesn't necessarily have to hurt in order for it to feel real.
8th-Nov-2011 08:12 am (UTC)
Thank you :D
8th-Nov-2011 03:36 am (UTC)
This is beautiful.
8th-Nov-2011 08:13 am (UTC)
♥ Thanks!
9th-Nov-2011 03:03 pm (UTC)
This is lovely and underscores that "I'm not doing what you want, and I don't compromise" while compromising thing about Gene that makes me happy.
10th-Nov-2011 08:10 am (UTC)
Thank you :D

Yeah, I love that in Gene too.
20th-Nov-2011 03:36 pm (UTC)
I've read this three times and I still love it ♥
23rd-Nov-2011 01:24 pm (UTC)
Thank you ♥
15th-Dec-2011 06:15 pm (UTC)
Mmm yummy fic. Lots of contrast and insightful characterization. It rings very true for Sam to crave pain because he thinks of it as a way to feel alive, and even for him to assume that Gene-- based on aspects of his personality and their relationship-- would be happy to provide such a thing.

You did such a good job of showing that things just aren't that simple... of course nothing ever seems to be when it comes to these two! <3
18th-Dec-2011 02:21 am (UTC)
Thanks so much ♥
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